Hello all! I'm Jen's friend Ann who is her faithful companion on this trip to Wonderland, aka Phuket, Thailand. She was kind enough to let me do this blog entry based upon my observations of the day. So here goes. Caveat- I hope I don't offend anyone, but if you're friends with Jen, you must be used to some emotional abuse. :) Ok, here goes:
We started off our day at 8am- I ran to the currency exchange because I ran out of money (see previous entry). I was back to Cocoville by 8:12 just as our bus pulled up. There are some more boring details about waiting for people, and driving like a bat out of hell, but I'll skip that and move along. We arrive at Ao Po Pier. Everything is great at this time. We make it onto the boat and then, THE NIGHTMARE BEGINS, or simply, the weirdest booze and cruise experience ever!
Ok. Cast of characters: a slew of very basic Euro-trash (half-naked elderly Germans, attractive and blond Ukranians, some annoying Frenchies); a bunch of Israeli frat boys (I kept asking Jen if she saw the movie "Don't Mess with the Zohan" but she hadn't seen it. If you've seen it, you'll understand what I'm saying!); and a pack of Indian men who were acting like they were on a bachelor party. Ugh. I told Jen if the boat went down we weren't going to save anybody. She agreed. Oh, except a nice Korean family- father, mother, grandmother, little toddler boy. They get to live. It was agreed.
The boat and crew: Jesus bloody Christ. Our Tour was called the Amazing Canoeing tour. There was nothing "amazing" about it. Our tour guide was a Laotian trans-sexual, who explained NOTHING of what we were doing or where we were going or doing. She told us that she switched genders a few years ago, lost her boyfriend a few years ago, and was in the seminary a few years ago. She also said she spoke a myriad of languages- which is funny, cause her English was terrible and I couldn't understand a word she said. Ok. Fine. Well, the whole cruise, which was about 6 hours long, had LOUD THUMPING TOP 40 MUSIC going the WHOLE TIME. You know the kind, BOOM BOOM, GUSH GUSH, BOOM BOOM, BABY. It was like going to a tacky European discoteque and NOT BEING ABLE TO LEAVE. EVER.
Add in sun, wind, and movement and that was our environment.
We got to the first island, Panak Island. Jen and I got in a canoe with this sweet guy who had to paddle us both to the caves. I felt super bad for him cause we were heavy Americans- but remember the slew of Eurotrash? Yeah, they were used to the hefty cargo. Caves- cool. Great. Bats- yikes. Monkeys cute. Beautiful blah blah. We have pics we will post. Then back on the boat.
We then stopped at Hong Island. That dumb bitch tour guide kept explaining it was a Honeymoon island- and how she wanted a boyfriend to honeymoon with. Ugh. Same guy took us around. We tipped him ahead of time and had a GREAT time going around the island and through nooks and crannies. That was enjoyable and fun.
Then we got back on the barge from hell, and went to FINALLY James Bond Island. Here it gets nuts. We had to get off the boat onto long boats- I can't even go into the liablity of slipping and falling between the boats, which NO ONE gave a shit about. Then the long boats took us to James Bond Island- which was a huge tourist trap for Muslim Thai women to hawk their wares of pearls and sea shell teddy bears. Oh, and the bathrooms were squatting toilets. Needless to say- Jen and I held it for about 8 hours that day. We took some pics. Pics to follow.
No we did not duel- neither of us saw that part of the movie until AFTER we got home. We got back on the boat. Then we had lunch- otherwise known as- "Free for all from hell" of uncouth Eurotrash and annoyingly thuggish Indian men who pushed and shoved their way to to the small table. Jen ate hardly anything cause she wasn't aggressive enough- I pushed my way in, but was thwarted mid-way. The food was palpable- but we were starving and held captive, so eating a shoe would have been sufficient.
Ok. Then- god help me, we traveled to Lawa Island for some fools to jump off the boat and swim in the water. Our tour guide at this point has completely taken off all her clothes and is parading around in a black bikini. Dear god- Jen was about to lose her SHIT. All the damn Israeli frat boys jumped in the water, including the stupid Germans and some ugly Indian men. I just kept falling asleep and going to my happy place.
Fast forward an unimaginable about of time- we left there.
I fell asleep and was awoken to the pounding beats of the radio and a bizarre cabaret show put on by our tour guide and her "boyfriend" who was her assistant. At this point, he/she was wearing nylons, a thong, a push-up bra that was filled with stuff, and too much tacky Kabuki makeup. Then they were rubbing themselves up against the men on the boat- to the sheer JOY AND ENTERTAINMENT OF THE EUROTRASH. Jen and I and the Koreans, were unamused. And frankly disgusted and grossed out. Then- adding insult to all the injuries, we had to tip them.
Dear god- I would've paid a kings ransom to just get off that boat ride from hell.
We disembarked- I went to the "Amazing Toilets"- which had no seats and toilet paper (I cannot go into what I did, it's been blocked from my memory). We got home and thanked god that we were able to do so without having killed ourselves or anyone else on that damn boat. (Except the Koreans, of course.)
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